Our Past Selves Left Behind
by Tsormick
Summary: Finn doesn't know how to be a friend to Karofsky and a good step-brother to Kurt. The two things don't mix when you have a judgmental Glee club, an ex-girlfriend who keeps trying to get you back, and an over-protective step-father. Sequel to "Masquerade"
1. Elementary School Again

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to write for Glee, I don't.

AN: This story follows the events of "Masquerade." If you haven't read that story, I suggest you do so, although it's not entirely necessary. Here's a very quick summary of what you need to know from that story, if you'd prefer to just jump into this one: Finn figured out that Karofsky is gay. He tried to talk to Kurt about it, but Kurt told him that Karofsky doesn't deserve his help. Finn looked up numbers for help lines and slipped them in Karofsky's locker anyway.

Our Past Selves Left Behind

Elementary School Again

Finn was back in his fifth grade classroom. He was seated on the floor with his legs crossed, his nearly seventeen-year-old self taking up more space than his anyone else, even his teacher (whose name Finn couldn't recall for the life of him).

All of the girls were absent. The word "puberty" was written in large, proud letters on the blackboard.

On his right sat Noah Puckerman with his head recently shaved, growing into his mohawk and his rebellion. He was relatively small compared to the other boys, but his eyes were defiant and he was gaining muscle mass to replace the hole left by his father's absence.

Finn glanced around the room. He recognized most of the boys by face if not name, and almost all of them had stuck around Lima until high school. The majority of the people in Glee with Finn were in different classes or different elementary schools, except for Mike Chang, who sat near the front.

In the very back and seated by himself was Dave Karofsky. At that age, he may have been the same height as Finn, if not taller. His head was down. Finn couldn't tell if it was to avoid the lesson or to hide the beginnings of a mustache sprouting above his lip.

The teacher was pulling down the screen for the overhead, and the class looked relieved that the hideous word was covered. But relief was short lived as he brought up transparencies of the male reproductive system, and started talking about testicles and semen and erections.

Finn somehow knew without looking that Dave (he hadn't earned the reputation of his last name yet) had turned away from the scientific terms, from the bodily changes, from his own pubescent self.

Puck leaned closer to Finn and muttered, "We already read about this shit." The swear word came out forced, only recently earning a place in his friend's vocabulary.

Everyone was altering between states of wanting the lesson to _end already_ so they could stop learning about how they were going to change, but there was some interest in hearing about the changes so they could have a little bit of knowledge to help battle the unknown.

The lesson had shifted. They were past reproductive organs and onto how their voices would drop.

Then it was hair. Hair, taking over everything. Face, arms, armpits, legs. Pubic hair.

And suddenly: "David, pay attention. This is important."

Finn was no longer seated next to Puck, but his own fifth grade self, who snickered along with Puck and the rest of the class.

"Yes, sir," Dave mumbled, his voice cracking slightly on the last syllable.

The class roared, with young Finn and Puck carrying on the loudest. Above the laughter, Puck's voice projected: "Sounds like someone's growing pubes."

To Finn's utmost embarrassment, his younger self laughed even harder at this declaration, even though they had no proof, and hopefully never would. Who wanted to see that?

But validation came to them anyway as Dave's face turned red and he blinked rapidly a few times.

The teacher was yelling in an attempt to regain control of his class.

"After school detention, Noah!"

"Wouldn't dream of missing it!" Puck replied, his voice over bright and sarcastic.

The class' laughter shifted to Puck now. Dave hunched down, drawing his broad shoulders into his chest. He looked relieved that he was being left alone once more.

The classroom shifted. The lesson was over and Puck was standing in front of Dave, shorter yet more menacing. Puck waved Finn over to them.

Younger Finn was nowhere in sight. In fact, neither was anyone else. It must have been recess.

"Dude, whip 'em out." Puck gave Dave a small shove.

"What?"

"Your pubes. Let's see them."

Dave was blushing an angry red, looking completely terrified.

Puck turned to Finn, and when he spoke, his voice came out matured, deeper. The voice of the Puck that Finn knew now.

"Aren't you going to help me? You did before. This was your idea."

Finn shook his head violently. "I wasn't part of this. I won't help you."

Then Kurt was standing in the front of the classroom, replacing the teacher with the forgotten name.

"You started this, Finn. You made him this way. Everything he's done to me has been because of _you_." Kurt pointed a finger accusingly at Finn, as Dave spoke, addressing Finn for the first time: "I just wanted to be your friend. I didn't deserve this."

There was a buzzing in Finn's ears. Growing louder, more defined, beeping and shrill.

He opened his eyes, forgetting where he was.

The beeping continued, and for a moment Finn thought, _I don't even know where to look for an alarm clock in that classroom_. He shook his head as he remembered that he was in his bedroom and not in elementary school. Fumbling for his alarm clock, he noticed the thin layer of sweat that coated him.

He hit the snooze button and just lay there.

He tried to tell himself that everything was exaggerated by his memory. It was inaccurate, he couldn't possibly have been that mean. Puck, maybe, but it's not like he listened to everything Puck said…

Except that he had. He had idolized Puck, following him around far longer than he should have.

Puberty was hell. Everyone was changing, at different times and different paces, and if you were too early or too late, there was something wrong with you. It was awkward and painful until everyone your age was finally finished, and everyone tried to forget that it had happened in the first place.

Karofsky had been such an easy target in elementary school. He was large and withdrawn, physically becoming a man while mentally craving any sort of friendship or acceptance from his peers.

Of course he was picked on. There really wasn't any question about it.

Every time Dave tried to make a friend, or even be nice to someone, Finn or Puck was always there to make fun of him. _"Uh oh, look out, he likes you."_

Finn didn't know when he had started to shake. The words weren't supposed to sound homophobic, he was fairly sure it wasn't supposed to sound like Dave had a crush on one of the other boys, but that's probably how it Dave took it. Why wouldn't he?

Eventually Dave stopped trying. He focused on his schoolwork, played by himself at recess, and when middle school started he befriended Azimio.

Dave had quietly let his status rise until it was secure enough that he could fight back.

Finn's alarm clock sounded again. It was a welcome distraction. If Finn thought much longer, there was a chance that he would cry, and his mom could always tell when he had been crying.

He really didn't want to have that conversation. Especially not where Burt might overhear.

Finn shut off his alarm and got up to shower.

He avoided his mom and Burt for as long as he could, waiting until Burt had left to go to the garage and he could hear his mom in the shower upstairs. Guilt was plastered all over his face, and there was no way to explain it without incriminating himself or revealing what he knew about Karofsky. His mom would work it out of him with her blunt questions and loving hugs. Burt seemed more distant, the type to not question you too much unless you were really upset. Or if Kurt was involved. But since Kurt was gone, there was a good chance that Burt wouldn't press the issue.

He still didn't want to risk it.

When he finally came up from the basement he was running late if he wanted to take the bus, and had to forgo breakfast in favor of grabbing an apple on his way out the door.

He managed to catch the bus, feeling lucky since he only had a rough estimate of what time it came, and as he boarded he realized that he hadn't taken the bus in over two years.

Usually his mom drove him, or he got a ride with Rachel and her dads. If he had waited for his mom like he was supposed to, then he could have eaten breakfast and not been stuck on a bus full of freshmen.

He turned the apple over in his hand, noticing how his hand engulfed it. He was supposed to be mature enough to handle all of this, but inside he just felt small.

The bus pulled up in front of McKinley with fifteen minutes to spare. On a normal day when he got a ride to school, he showed up about five minutes before classes started and had to run to get there on time.

Ten extra minutes. He supposed to could go to his locker, even though he didn't really need anything from there.

He started eating his apple when it occurred to him that his mom didn't know where he went, so he sent her a quick text telling her that he took the bus. She had tried calling him twice.

Well, that looked suspicious. There was no explanation for him taking the bus without telling her beforehand except that he was avoiding her. He groaned a little as he tossed the apple core in the garbage, wishing that he could have faced his mom and been able to eat breakfast instead of running out with only an apple.

She was going to grill him tonight. And he had absolutely no idea what he was going to tell her.

He approached his locker, entering the combination mechanically and opening the lock. He stared blankly at the contents, not needing anything and just trying to waste time until class. He tried to ignore the blank spot on his door where he had once put up a picture of him and Rachel dressed in their _Rocky Horror_ costumes.

He was just convincing himself to go find his friends instead of standing there being pathetic (though he really didn't feel like talking to anyone, much less running into Rachel,) when he noticed a slightly crumpled piece of paper sitting on top of his books.

Someone had slipped him a note.

Feeling curious and for some reason uneasy, he pulled the paper towards him.

It was the paper he had given to Karofsky two days before.

All Finn had written on it were the numbers for the help lines. He didn't even write what the numbers were for. And he certainly hadn't written that they came from him.

Underneath the numbers, Karofsky had written "I don't want your help."

Either Karofsky had managed to guess what the numbers were, he already had the numbers (Finn doubted this) or he had actually called them.

He really hoped Karofsky had called. But he had probably hung up as soon as it became apparent what the numbers were for.

"_I don't want your help."_ He could have written "I don't need your help" but Finn was sure the lie would have been obvious to both of them.

Karofsky obviously _needed_ help, and Finn couldn't shake the feeling that it was his help specifically that Karofsky didn't want, and not all help in general.

He didn't trust Finn. He had every reason not to. Not that Finn trusted him all that much either. But when Karofsky was younger, back when he was just _Dave_, Finn thought he would have made a much better friend than Puck did.

Karofsky needed someone who wouldn't turn his back on him. Finn just had to prove that he could be that person. And maybe, Karofsky could turn back into Dave, into the boy who just wanted someone to be a friend to.

The bell rang, signaling the start of the passing period before homeroom. Finn balled up the note and pushed it to the bottom of his backpack.

He just hoped that Kurt would understand.

AN: Reviews are my best motivators. And they make me smile. Criticism is welcome!


	2. Back in the Locker Room

Back in the Locker Room

Finn spent the first half of the day torn between looking out for Karofsky, avoiding Rachel, and trying to come up with something to tell his mom that didn't feel contrived.

He did see Karofsky, but only briefly. It was during their break in between second and third period. Karofsky was at his locker with a Cheerio who Finn recognized by face but not by name, so he could guess how high up she was on the social ladder. The popular people had names. This girl just looked kind of plain. Her eyebrows weren't perfectly shaped and her lips weren't glossy. In her eyes she had a yearning to be popular but didn't appear outgoing enough to ever really pull it off.

The name-less Cheerio pressed herself against Karofsky and gave him a shy kiss. Karofsky put one hand on her shoulder blade and it roamed down to her lower back, like he wasn't sure where it was appropriate to touch her. His other arm was motionless by his side.

"Finn."

Rachel had walked up behind him. He tried to work his face into a neutral expression and wondered briefly how long he could get away with standing with his back to her trying to position his face into something that didn't look so hurt-puppy.

He opted for turning around when she gently cleared her throat. He was slightly surprised that she hadn't just walked in front of him so she could face him when he didn't turn around. He supposed it made sense, though. Rachel lost some of her edge when she was sulking.

"What?"

She was taken aback. She must not have expected him to respond.

"I, um. Wanted to let you know that if you needed any Beatles songs for the Glee assignment, my dads have the box set of their entire catalogue. I know you're more into 80's rock than 60's, so if you wanted to borrow a CD, or if you wanted help choosing a song…"

"I have a couple CDs I can use. And Kurt left some behind that he told me I could listen to."

"Oh, OK. Well. Good."

"I think I can find a song off one of those."

"Good." She nodded to the floor then raised her eyes to make eye-contact with him. He turned away from her gaze and for lack of something better to look at, found Karofsky and the girl again. The Cheerio snuggled under his arm and smiled up at him. His other arm was still by his side. The smile he returned to her was small and forced.

"PDA," Rachel scoffed. She had sought out who Finn was staring at.

"Kind of, yeah."

"He doesn't seem too big on the 'affection' part, though. She's practically throwing herself at him and he doesn't even want to touch her."

Finn tried to ignore the hidden message in what Rachel was saying, but it was difficult. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his letterman jacket.

"No, he doesn't. Maybe she did something that he doesn't want to forgive her for." For once he was glad for their height difference because it was so easy for him to look straight ahead and not see her.

"Maybe," she choked out. There was a moment of hesitation before she brushed past him without pushing the subject anymore and without saying good bye.

Finn watched Karofsky and the girl for a few more seconds. The girl squeezed his hand, then walked away with a smile on her face. Karofsky attempted to smile back, but when the girl had walked off his face returned to the miserable, angry mess that Finn was used to seeing.

The face that Finn had seen budding in his nightmare.

Maybe if he'd been nice to Karofsky in the first place, Kurt could've had one less person picking on him. They could've been best friends, instead of him and Puck. Puck wouldn't have stolen his girlfriend, and if he had, it wouldn't have hurt as much. And maybe Karofsky wouldn't hate himself so much.

Unfortunately for Finn, he had this desperate need to have people like him, and back in elementary school Puck had been the shit.

The little details that meant everything back in elementary school were forgotten, but the way people made you feel stuck with you.

Finn had a sinking feeling in his stomach that reminded him of why he had avoided his mom that morning.

Maybe he could just tell her the truth: _"Sorry, Mom. I had this nightmare about how terrible I was back in elementary school to the kid who was harassing Kurt, and I kind of feel like it's my fault that he's so messed up now. I didn't want to face you because I don't want you to know how much of an asshole I really am."_

He was pretty sure that he could come up with a lie that sounded more convincing than that.

* * *

The first time he got close to Karofsky after slipping him the helpline numbers was after football practice that day.

Finn didn't have any classes with Karofsky that semester, so the majority of the time they saw each other was before, during, or after practice.

After practice everyone moved slower, and conversations flowed more freely. Before practice there was always a rush of people running late, and during practice… well, bad things happened if you didn't give it your all. Beiste was a hard ass, but she knew what she was doing (which was far more than Finn could say about Coach Tanaka).

Sam was getting dressed next to Finn. His hair was damp and his torso was still bare. He seemed to wait as long as possible to put his shirt on, perhaps as a way to intimidate the other guys with his sheer muscle mass. It worked for Finn, at least. Finn got his boxers, jeans, and shirt on as quickly as possible.

It was easier than comparing himself to Sam.

"Dude, I'm a little bit worried about the situation with Puck." Sam's voice was lowered, and he jerked his head in the direction of where Puck was standing with Mike and Artie.

"Situation?"

"Yeah, I mean didn't Rachel date Puck before she dated you? Then she dates you and supposedly she loves you and everything, but then she goes back to Puck?" Sam (finally) pulled his t-shirt on.

"Yeah, she dated Puck before me, but they're not together." Finn stopped. "Are they?"

Sam shook his head. "Not officially."

"I don't understand what situation you're worried about."

"Well, Quinn dated you and then cheated on you with Puck. What's stopping her from going back to him? Rachel did. Maybe he's got like, super pheromones or something."

"I'm kind of over the Quinn and Puck thing. Or trying to be."

"Right, sorry. I just don't want to lose her. You know?"

Heavy footsteps fell behind them, followed by the booming voice of Azimio. "Uh oh. Looks like Barbie and Ken got trouble in paradise," he smirked.

Karofsky trailed behind him, pointedly ignoring Finn, and said, "Everyone knows Ken's a homo, anyway."

Puck, Artie, and Mike all turned towards Karofsky.

"Why does everyone think I'm gay?" Sam's voice was commanding, and he was attempting to not make a show of his anger. No one answered.

Finn had to give him credit. Sam could really take-charge when he wanted to. (Even if he was surprised to hear that apparently someone other than Kurt had thought Sam was gay.)

"Here's a heads up for everyone. There's nothing wrong with being gay. But I'm not."

Azimio's laugh covered up Karofsky's look of defeat enough that Finn was sure he was the only one who caught it.

"Sounds like a textbook case of denial to me!" He nudged Karofsky.

Karofsky took a step back. The nudge looked playful and it was obvious that Azimio hadn't meant to insinuate that Karofsky was in denial about anything. But Finn was sure that's how Karofsky had taken it.

The room went completely silent.

Azimio turned to face his friend. "Dude, what?" He sounded surprised and aggressive. "Back me up."

"He said he's not. It wasn't even that funny anyway."

It was almost like Karofsky was sticking up for Sam.

"Are you siding with this faggot?" Azimio challenged.

"Cut it out," Karofsky replied, though he lacked much conviction in front of the majority of the football team, let alone Azimio.

"Cut what out?" Azimio asked, and when he didn't get an answer immediately he repeated, louder this time: "Cut what out, Karofsky?"

"I- Nothing. Just forget it." Karofsky turned to walk back to where his backpack was waiting for him.

Azimio followed him, still talking loud enough for Finn to catch every word. Sam stood beside Finn, quietly eavesdropping as well. "You've been acting like a freak for the longest time now. Who the fuck almost gets expelled? What the fuck, man? And you look like shit, by the way."

He did. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. And Azimio kind of sounded like he cared.

"You look like shit," he countered, not putting much heart into it.

"Not cool, man," Azimio said, but there was some humor in his voice again. "Seriously, you need to like, give some kid a swirly or something you just let me know."

Conversations gradually started up again as people lost interest in the ambiguous fight with Karofsky and Azimio.

Sam faced Finn and addressed him even more quietly than he had when he asked him about Puck. "Did Karofsky really stick up for me? I was expecting him to try to punch me again. Or…" Sam trailed off as his eyes widened.

"Or?" Finn prompted, his mouth feeling dry.

"Did Karofsky just almost out himself?"

"I don't… why would you ask that?" Finn was not subtle. He expected that living with Kurt wouldn't help that.

"Because he flipped his shit when Azimio said something about denial, and then again when Azimio said 'faggot'." Sam stared at Finn for a second. Finn tried unsuccessfully to look away. So he wasn't the only one who had noticed Karofsky's reaction.

"Dude, do you know something?"

"That's really- I mean, I- No?"

"Oh my god." That was all the confirmation Sam needed.

By this point most of the team was filing out of the locker room. Finn zipped up his Abercrombie sweatshirt and pulled his letterman jacket on over it. Next to him, Sam was still processing.

"He's got some serious issues."

"Yeah," Finn said, not really wanting to talk about it because talking about it made it more real. He watched as more people left the locker room, biding his time so he could put off the inevitable confrontation with his mom.

Puck walked out, pushing Artie. Mike was beside them on his cell phone, most likely talking to Tina. Puck nodded in Sam and Finn's direction and Artie gave a small wave. Finn attempted to smile back.

It didn't quite work, but he got an "A" for effort, right?

Sam nudged Finn. "Think Karofsky's still around the corner? I didn't see him leave."

"Oh, um-" Finn started to answer, racking his brain to come up with a way to get out of talking to yet another person that he didn't know what to say to, but Sam was already moving in that direction.

Finn heard Sam start talking seconds before he saw it.

"Hey man, I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me." Well, it sounded slightly sincere. "I mean, you could've done it without insulting me first, but anything positive coming from you is an improvement."

"What do you want, Evans?"

"Sam, I don't think-" Finn tried to interrupt, but Sam plowed ahead anyway.

"Just to let you know that there're places you can get help, so you don't have to go forcing other guys to transfer so they can get away from you."

Karofsky's eyes flicked over to Finn and rested on him. Finn swallowed. Was he supposed to say something? He wasn't sure what he could say to make this situation better, considering Karofsky looked really uncomfortable not to mention irritated, but he could think of a million things to say to make the conversation _worse_.

He opted for: "Hey, thought you played well at practice."

When Karofsky spoke, his voice came out lower and rougher than usual. "You fucking tell him? You fucking spreading rumors about things you don't know because you just pulled them out of your ass to try to make yourself look better?" He smirked as Finn instinctively took a step back. "What else is new. Hudson rises above by picking on guys he thinks are lower than him."

"Dude, Finn didn't tell me anything."

"Good, 'cause there's nothing to tell," Karofsky said, shouldering his way between Finn and Sam in an effort to leave the locker room.

Sam raised his eyebrows at Finn and went after Karofsky again.

"Truth is you're a dick, but maybe if you stop hating yourself so much you could actually be kind of cool." It was nice to know that Sam was actually on Finn's side with this whole "treat Karofsky with respect so he stops harassing people" thing. "Not that we could really be friends, because Kurt's awesome and I want him to not hate my guts." OK, so maybe not as much on Finn's side as he had hoped.

"Whatever it is that you guys think you know, it's not true so back the fuck off."

"I'm pretty convinced," Finn replied, wishing that he sounded more sure of himself.

"Me too," Sam added. He practically oozed confidence. How did he do that?

"What exactly are you convinced of?" It was probably meant to sound like he was addressing both of them, but he was only looking at Finn. Karofsky's hand was clenching at his side.

"Um…" Finn trailed off.

"That you're gay," Sam finished for Finn, watching quietly as Karofsky raised his fist in Sam's face.

"I will punch the shit out of you, don't think that I won't."

"Again? Don't forget that I punched you back."

"Guys, no one is punching anyone!" Finn ran a hand over his eyes. It didn't help calm him down at all, but it was nice to have a second or two where he didn't have to look at the situation in front of him. "Karofsky, your record is _shit_. You almost got expelled for violence and a fucking _death threat_ and you think that punching a dude who's trying to talk to you is going to make this better?"

Sam's mouth fell open as Karofsky's breathing sped up. "I don't know where the _fuck_ you get off, Hudson."

"Wait- death threat? _Death threat_?"

Karofsky and Finn were silent.

"You threatened Kurt?"

"No." It was the most unconvincing lie Finn had ever heard him tell.

"You threatened to kill him?"

"I wanted him to keep quiet about shit that he had no right telling people."

"I knew he was afraid of you, but I had no idea… I thought that help would be good for you. But I'm starting to think that it would be better for everyone if you just stayed the fuck away."

Sam backed up a few steps in preparation to turn around and leave. "Finn, let's go."

"I…"

Sam stopped walking. "You still want to help him." Finn wished that Sam didn't sound so resolved when he said that. Like Finn had just completely lost Sam's support. "He's you _stepbrother_, Finn. I mean, I know you guys had issues in the past but fuck, he's never going to talk to you ever again. His dad is never going to talk to you again."

"It's not, I-" But Sam just shook his head and left.

Sometime during Sam's speech, Karofsky's anger had faded into a quiet look that Finn recognized as self-loathing. He knew because he'd worn that same look with regards to his past treatment of Kurt.

Why was it always about Kurt?

"Because he makes you feel like dog shit with just a glance if you so much as act like you care at all what other people think of you."

Shit. Finn had said that out loud.

"Evans's right. Kurt's never going to talk to you again if he finds out you've been talking to me."

Finn sighed. "I have this crazy idea that you're capable of becoming someone who doesn't have to throw slushies or punch people to feel like he has friends."

"I have friends."

"No you don't. Not really. Not if they found out."

Karofsky bowed his head, allowing that.

"And I have this even crazier idea that it's possible for you to be happy."

"You made sure that wasn't possible the first day we met."

And with that, Karofsky left Finn standing in the locker room feeling like even more of a pile of shit than he had to begin with.

He hadn't thought that was possible.

* * *

AN: I'm hoping to update more quickly, considering ideally I'd like this to be finished by the SB, but reviews would really help me writer faster! Lots of love to all of you who responded.


	3. The Truths that Come Out

AN: Thanks for all of the great responses! They mean so much to me. A couple people have commented on my depiction of Sam. Thanks for the feedback- I was a little afraid to write him. I'm doing the best that I can given how Sam has been written on the show (unevenly, IMHO). I think that Sam has the potential to be really smart even though he's a huge dork ("I am Sam, Sam I am") and can also be comfortable with himself when it comes to things like sticking up for others, although he is very much into his own body image. So he's a mix. Basically I'm trying to turn all the different Sams into one person. If he comes off as weird, I apologize. With that out of the way…

The Truths that Come Out

Finn was welcomed home by the smell of his mom's pot roast in the oven. Burt was sitting on the couch in the living room going over some paperwork and the TV was surprisingly turned off. Finn had noticed that Burt only turned the TV off when he really needed to focus on something. Kurt was kind of similar in this way- he only turned his music off when something really serious was going on.

Burt addressed Finn when he heard the door close, but didn't look up from his paperwork.

"How was practice?"

"It was good." So far, he seemed pleasant. Maybe Burt didn't know that Finn had ditched his mom that morning.

"Good. Your mom wants to talk to you."

"Oh." So he did know. Maybe, a change of subject? "What're you working on?"

"Job applications. Need to find someone to fill in for the shifts that Kurt was working." Burt set down the papers and turned to Finn. "In the kitchen," he said pointedly.

"Right." Finn took a deep breath. What was that that he had planned to tell her? Oh, right. He hadn't planned anything.

Finn shrugged off his backpack and started slouching his way into the kitchen. Then he decided that made him look even more suspicious than he already did, so he tried to straighten his posture.

His mom was cutting open a bag of frozen peas to heat up on the stove. She set the scissors on the counter with maybe a little more force than was necessary.

"You could've said something before just leaving this morning."

"You were in the shower."

She poured the peas into a pot that was waiting on the stove. "I wish you would just tell me when you break things instead of trying to hide it. You know I _always_ find out."

"What?" Maybe he should've broken something. "I didn't break anything." But even as he said it, he was running through things that he could break quickly and quietly just so he could have something to blame his absence on.

His mom clicked on the stove as she sighed out her disappointment. "I always know when you're lying. And I always find out what you're lying about. So you may as well spare us both the grief and just tell me. Are you and Kurt having problems again?"

They weren't… yet. But if this conversation with his mom continued much longer, it was only a matter of time before Kurt got wind of it.

"No. Haven't talked to him much. Sounds like he always has a lot of homework."

"Then if it isn't a problem with Kurt, I don't understand why you can't just tell me what it is."

"Just… Bad memories. I didn't want to think about it. Or talk about it," he added pointedly. His mom always made him feel so small. Like no matter how tall he got or how much facial hair he could grow (not a whole lot, yet) she saw straight through it and judged his maturity and life choices.

She sniffed as she stirred the peas. "Oh."

And she was always _so good _at making him feel guilty.

"You could've just said something."

"Mom, I just did." She opened her mouth to interrupt, so he quickly said, "I'm sorry that you think I'm keeping things from you. But sometimes I need to figure things out on my own."

"I thought it was just memories?"

"It's complicated."

She gave him a watery smile. "When did you get so grown up?" Before he knew it, her arms were around him.

He thought about trying to give her a time frame for when he had grown up, remembering how he felt when he thought he was a father, hating how it felt when it turned out he wasn't. Was that when he grew up? He didn't feel very adult. He knew the kind of man that he aspired to be, but he was far away and the image was unclear.

His mom just stood there clinging to him, not seeming like she expected any kind of answer out of him. So he didn't give her one.

* * *

Finn sprawled out on the floor in the basement, leaning against his bed.

Resting in his lap was an old portable CD player that he couldn't bring himself to throw away. Sure, he had an iPod just like everyone else his age he knew, but sometimes he missed the physical connection to music he got by popping the CD into the player's waiting mouth. He didn't even mind buying new batteries for the player.

All those hours spent draining the batteries? He had been doing something he loved.

He had so many memories of listening to his old CD player, rocking out on his drum kit, and simultaneously driving his mom crazy.

She had been wrong about one thing. He wasn't deaf yet.

He had laid out the household's few Beatles CDs. Burt and his mom both had copies of "The Beatle's 1" (they had laughed about this to each other and then kissed. Finn had snatched one of the copies and evacuated the room). Kurt had "Abbey Road," ("The best Beatles album, really, Finn") and the "Across the Universe" soundtrack, along with a couple others that Finn wasn't as familiar with.

"_The Beatles revolutionized classic rock and reached out to people on an international level. So I want you to pick a song of theirs that you want to reach someone with."_

He scanned the tracks on "The Beatle's 1" first, because he was the most familiar with that CD. A few titles stuck out to him, but nothing that he felt like singing.

"I Feel Fine," "Eight Days a Week," "All You Need is Love…" They all just reminded him of Rachel.

He slid the CD across the room. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of singing to her. Unless it was about how much he felt like tearing out her vocal chords and strangling her with them.

No… he wouldn't do that. Even he wouldn't be that mean.

He probably wouldn't tear them out completely.

Or he could just sit in a corner and cry about how all of his girlfriends cheated on him with Puck.

Maybe he could just shave off Puck's mohawk again. But Puck had been the one to say "no" to Rachel, so he didn't really deserve to be punished for that, but then again the Quinn thing was as much his fault as it was Quinn's…

God, he was pathetic.

He picked up "Abbey Road," his eyes stopping at track 5: "Octopus's Garden."

That sounded _awesome_. But none of his friends really reminded him of an octopus, and as far as he knew, they didn't garden. So much for that.

Maybe it was better to go with the unfamiliar CD. _Rubber Soul._

He didn't bother with track listings this time. He just popped the CD out of the case and held it in his hand for a few seconds, enjoying the feel of the smooth, curved edge on his fingertips.

Then he inserted it in his CD player and closed his eyes.

* * *

Glee was different without Kurt. And not just because it meant that Lauren Zizes was there. Although, if Finn was being honest with himself, she was actually kind of similar to Kurt in a couple ways. It was her sarcasm, and her "I'm better than you without even trying" attitude. But she lacked his passion.

Rachel got most of the solos without even having to fight for them. Mercedes just seemed… ruder than usual. And like she didn't care anymore.

People were giving up.

Some people had already given up.

People like Karofsky.

Finn was the last one to Glee that day, excluding Mr. Shue.

Everyone was huddled in the center of the room, except for Lauren, who looked like she really couldn't care less about whatever they were talking about.

When Finn walked into the room, all conversation stopped.

Quinn spoke up first. "You knew why he was harassing Kurt, and you didn't say anything?"

Mercedes was next. "Of course not. Not like he's ever really cared about Kurt's feelings."

Wait, what? "Of course I do! And how do you guys even know about Karofsky?"

"Oh, so you admit to knowing what we're talking about," Santana said.

Finn gave Sam a death glare. "You told everyone?"

"No. Are you crazy? I just told Quinn."

"I only told Mercedes. And Santana. And Brittany."

"I told Tina," Mercedes said. "Not that it's any of your business."

"And I told Mike and Artie. I thought if we were spreading it around, everyone in the club should know. We're all friends with Kurt."

Brittany looked up at Finn, her eyes sad. "I didn't tell anyone, Finn."

"And no one told me," Rachel spoke up, her voice angry and her cheeks red, "not that people should be telling _anyone_. Sexual identity can be very difficult for people to accept, I can't even imagine what Karofsky would do if he found out that so many people knew. The outcome could be catastrophic, he should really be in therapy or getting help somewhere, because-"

"Rachel," Sam said, standing up, "he threatened Kurt's life. And Finn knew."

With everyone's eyes on Finn, words failed him. Not that they were much help in the first place, but still.

He opened his mouth and hoped that something would come out that didn't make him look like a complete asshole.

"Yeah, but… I didn't know why."

Mercedes scoffed. "That makes it better."

No one had any right to judge him like this. They hadn't seen the look on Karofsky's face as he asked about Kurt. The longing, the fear, the all-consuming self-hatred. The need.

"Look," he said, getting really pissed now, "Kurt's not here anymore, so it's not like it matters right now. And I knew, but so did our parents. And really, that's everyone who needed to know."

Lauren just sat there, regarding the situation with a smirk.

Finn had so many more emotions that were ready to burst out of him, but they weren't coherent and probably shouldn't be expressed in the first place, especially not in front of the whole club.

Mr. Shuester's footsteps fell behind him.

Finn was so glad of the timing, because it spared him from having to continue his monologue. So instead of standing there spewing words that shouldn't be said, he was just standing there, feeling awkward and deflated.

"Guys… what's going on?" Mr. Shue asked, meeting Finn's eyes as he turned around.

"Nothing, Mr. Shue," Finn said, scrambling for the closest seat that was still away from his friends, but hopefully not so far away that it would look like he was trying to sit far away.

And people thought he didn't over-think things.

"With that over," Mr. Shue continued, still looking puzzled but not questioning it any further, "who wants to get us started on our Beatles tribute?"

Rachel practically leapt out of her seat, she was raising her hand so high.

"How about someone who doesn't usually go first? Brittany?"

Brittany looked surprised for a moment, then turned around and glanced behind her. Maybe she was checking to see if there was another "Brittany" in the room.

She walked to the front of the room and gave a vacant smile to everyone, then waved to Artie (even though she had just been sitting by him). "I picked this song because everyone lives happily together. And because yellow is my favorite color."

A mostly reasonable explanation, coming from Brittany.

Finn acted like he was paying attention, but mainly he was just trying to figure out how he could get out of singing his song. He was fine with it originally, but after the club's reaction to Karofsky… Even if the connection to him wasn't that blatant, he was afraid that people would _suspect_ and then he would have to hear about it all over again.

He started counting down the minutes. There was a good chance that they wouldn't be able to get through everyone. Maybe he could go next time, with a different song prepared.

It helped that Brittany had to start over a couple times because she forgot the lyrics and kept switching to different songs in the middle of her verses.

Rachel raised her hand to go second.

Mr. Shuester scanned the other kids, trying to ignore her, but eventually gave in because no one else looked so enthusiastic.

If Finn had been reading the tracks on the other CDs a little more closely, he could have predicted that Rachel would sing this. Without a doubt.

He hated that she chose that song.

"Try to see it my way,  
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?  
While you see it your way,  
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.

We can work it out,  
We can work it out.

Think of what you're saying.  
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right.  
Think of what I'm saying,  
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night…"

The lyrics were _so perfect_ and she sang them so flawlessly, with both mechanical perfection and the emotional connection to make the song hit home.

He turned his head away and tried to block it out. He'd heard it all already.

He zoned out for the rest of the period, staring at his friends singing but not really seeing them. Why was the clock going so slow? Shouldn't seconds be faster than this?

Ten minutes left. Enough for one more person, but two was probably pushing it. So all he had to do was wait for someone else to volunteer…

"Finn, would you like to go?"

Mr. Shuester was talking to him.

"What? Oh, um. I… Sure. OK." It wasn't OK. He didn't want to sing this song anymore. But he supposed that he didn't really have a choice, so he slowly stood up and approached the front of the choir room.

Then he remembered that he had to tell Brad what song he was singing, and with his face reddening, leaned over the piano so he could whisper the title to him.

Brad flipped through his Beatles Fake Book and gave a short nod to signal that he was ready, and Finn started singing.

"He's a real nowhere man,  
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,  
Making all his nowhere plans  
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,  
Knows not where he's going to,  
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man please listen,  
You don't know what you're missing,  
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command!

He's as blind as he can be,  
Just sees what he wants to see,  
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?

Nowhere Man, don't worry,  
Take your time, don't hurry,  
Leave it all till somebody else  
lends you a hand!

Doesn't have a point of view,  
Knows not where he's going to,  
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man please listen,  
you don't know what you're missing  
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command!

He's a real Nowhere Man,  
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,  
Making all his nowhere plans  
for nobody.  
Making all his nowhere plans  
for nobody.

Making all his nowhere plans  
for nobody!"

It was really too much to hope that the others wouldn't notice who Finn was singing about.

They all seemed to be judging him. At least all of the people he glanced at. Everyone except Rachel, really. He didn't want to look at her if he could help it, so he couldn't really tell what her reaction was. And OK, Lauren wasn't judging him anymore than she ever did. She looked at him the same way she always did. Like she was bored out of her mind.

There was very slight, scattered applause, then Mr. Shue struggled to say something about his performance. "Wow, Finn. That was… not the most uplifting song."

Finn shrugged.

"OK, guys, those of you who didn't perform today, I want you to be ready next week, and then we'll practice some songs for Regionals."

Mr. Shue put his hand on Finn's shoulder as everyone made their way out of the room.

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah, there's just a couple things that…" He attempted to give him a reassuring smile. "It's just different here, without Kurt. It's weird, living with his dad while he's off at Dalton. Singing with another glee club."

"Well, OK, I just… that song has me a little worried. Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think so. It's not like he wants to talk to _me_ about it, and he has no idea that all these other people know, which will probably make it worse, and-"

"Wait, slow down. Who are you talking about?"

"Kar-" He clamped his mouth shut. "Um, no one. Who did you think I was singing about?" Then it hit him. "Mr. Shue, the song wasn't about me. I swear."

Mr. Shue laughed, looking embarrassed and so relieved. "Of course it wasn't." He took his hand off of Finn's shoulder. "But if you do need to talk, the offer still stands."

"Thanks." Finn forced a smile. He wasn't going to talk to Mr. Shue. Not about this.

Far too many people knew already. And even though it wasn't his fault that they knew, wasn't his fault _at all_, he still felt so _responsible_.

Mr. Shue began quietly gathering his things. Finn went to retrieve his backpack and found Rachel standing next to it, waiting for him.

"If this is about your song-"

"It's not about that," she cut him off, shaking her head. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her mini skirt, back overly straight. "It's about yours."

God, here it comes. His defenses started to rise. "Yeah? What about it?"

"Can we sit?"

Sitting meant a long conversation. "No."

"OK," she said, seeming to expect that, "I just wanted to tell you that I think it's important for people who are struggling to have someone there for them."

"But…" Finn continued for her, sensing it."

"But Kurt's your stepbrother, and you should think about how this is going to make him feel."

"Kurt has so many people. His dad, me and my mom, all of glee, probably people at Dalton, too… Karofsky doesn't have anyone, as far as I can tell."

"Finn, I think it's so great that you care so strongly about this. And I understand why you want to help him."

"You do?" No, she didn't. She didn't know the half of it.

"Yes. Because growing up in somewhere like Ohio… It can be really hard. My dad…" She swallowed and shook her head.

She was making him sound so selfless.

"I'm not sure that Kurt will understand. You may be sacrificing your relationship with him for this. Do you realize that?"

He did. He really, really did.

"I have to try. And thanks. For getting it."

Before he had time to process it, she hugged him and was walking out of the room.

"I have information on several organizations and help lines, if you wanted them," she spoke up, defaulting back to her blunt and conceited self.

"I'll let you know."

And she was gone.

* * *

Finn had no idea how to talk to Karofsky outside of football practice, and the chances that he would have opportunities to talk to him in private were few and far between.

That meant that Finn had to come up with a way to see Karofsky outside of school.

Other than what position he played on the football and hockey teams, Finn didn't know anything about him.

Well, that wasn't true. He knew one thing. But it wasn't exactly something you brought up in casual conversation.

Should he just call him up?

Yeah, because that would go over well. "Hey, so you're gay, and probably need a friend…"

He laughed quietly to himself humorlessly.

It wasn't even like he had his number.

Except that… he did. Have his number.

It was on his football roster, in case they needed to schedule emergency practices.

Finn raced to his desk and started digging through the drawers until he found the blue piece of paper with everyone's numbers listed on it.

He scanned the list until he reached "K," then programmed Karofsky's number into his phone. It was just his home number. Not everyone had listed their cell phone numbers. (Probably wise of them.)

Finn just stood there, feeling like an idiot for programming the number of some guy who hated him into his phone. Was he seriously going to call him? And say what, exactly?

He ran his thumb across his phone absently, thinking it over. There was nothing good for him to say.

The distant sound of ringing snapped him out of it and brought him back to his room.

He had accidentally pressed "send."

AN: Sorry about the long wait! But a longer chapter, so hopefully that makes it better. Reviews are always nice. And they always, always make me smile.


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